Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Don't Let This Happen to You!!

What can you do to avoid looking like this unfortunate group of people?
1. Don't get a biopsy of your thyroid without pain medication.
Yes, it's true. I, the lady on the left, in the blue sweater was tortured before this picture was taken by a thyroid doctor wearing cowboy boots.
Doctor: So, you were referred here because of thyroid problems?
Me: Yes. (in a scared voice)
Doctor: Well, let me feel your neck. Wow. Oh, boy. You have a VERY nodular thyroid. Haven't you ever felt all these bumps when you feel your neck?
Me: I don't really "feel" my neck.
Doctor: Oh. Well, let's do an ultrasound to check those nodules out closer. (pushes ultrasound device into my neck)
Me: (Cough. Cough.) So, what do you see?
Doctor: You definitely have a goitre. Oh, yes. I see LOTS of nodules. We'll have to measure all of these. Oh, boy. Nurse, write this one down. Left side. This clump of nodules measures 2 cm.
Me: (OK. Could this guy make me feel any more disgusting about myself? A goiter. Isn't that like a turkey gobbler? Clumps of nodules. Yuck!)
Doctor: Well, we definitely need to biopsy these. I will use 4 needles and jab them each into your neck 3 successive times.
Me: Aren't you going to give me a topical anesthetic?
Doctor: Oh, no. You don't need anything. You're tough, right? You'll just feel some pressure.
Me: (Very uncertainly). Well, will you warn me before you jab them in?!
Doctor: Sure. (Quickly jabs needle in without warning me.) Ok. Here's the first jab. And again. And again. Ooh. This one is a bit hard to get to.
Me: (gasping for air. breathing like in labor) Sorry . . . I'm . . . breathing . . . funny. This is quite painful.
Doctor: Only 3 more needles. . .
10 minutes later . . .
Doctor: Well, as it turns out you have a very skinny neck and I had to go in quite deep to get to those nodules. You will probably end up having bruising and swelling but you should feel fine by tomorrow or the next day. We'll let you know in the next couple of days if they are cancerous.
Me: (Thinking to myself: If I had your cowboy boots on, I'd kick you where it counts, stab you with a couple of your precious needles and tell YOU IT'S NOT GOING TO HURT! Thanks for nothing!)
2. Don't plan to attend a Birthday Luncheon for your 13-year-old son at Tucanos 10 minutes after your thyroid gets attacked.

Eating lunch at Tucanos is never my favorite event. Never-ending supplies of meat is not my idea of fun. Unfortunately, it is Ian's favorite place on earth. I'll give him credit. He was a planner. He got on-line and signed up to get a free b-day meal for himself, and then somehow talked Aaron into taking the entire family there for lunch. After the cowboy doctor attacked my neck, I drove to Tucanos with the kids to meet up with Aaron, Dad, Kristin, and Nora for a "stuff-your-face-till-you-feel-like-you-are-going-to-puke event"! I had an icepack on my neck when I arrived at the restaurant. I did not feel like swallowing ANYTHING, let alone swallowing CHICKEN HEARTS, SWEET COD, RAW SIRLOIN, AND VARIOUS OTHER NAUSEATING MEATS. It seemed like hours before Ian turned the wooden stick from GREEN (which means "keep the meat coming") to RED (which means "we've each gained 20 lbs. and still want to keep eating more meat but have decided to stop"). Even Ian admitted that his stomach felt a little bit "strange" after the meal was over.

3. Don't plan to make a Birthday Dinner 2 hours after eating at Tucanos.

Not only did Ian want lunch at Tucanos, he also planned AN EXTENSIVE B-DAY DINNER menu: fried rice, shrimp, miso soup, homemade rolls, and peanut butter cookies. Seriously. Who can think about food after the MEAL OF MEAT?! I forged ahead though, swollen goitre nodular neck and all. Cooked for hours. Ian loved it.
4. Don't even try to think about going to bed early when there is a FAMILY PARTY to celebrate 13 years of GREATNESS!
After eating, yet again, it was present opening time. Grandma Sue and Grandpa David came into town to help celebrate. Ian basked in b-day glory:
Oreos and an Airsoft Target from his good friend, Charles:

Money from Grandma Sue and Grandpa David:

More money from Grandpa Markie:

Even more money from Goiter Mom and Normal Neck Dad. The other kids were jealous:

Golf Certificate from Dad (Idea from Me):

5. Don't even TRY to get sympathy from anyone for a pain in your neck:
Me: My neck is so sore.
Aaron: It looks great. I can't see any bruising or swelling. In fact, I can't even see the needle marks.
Me: Aaaaaaah!!!!!
So, the moral of this story is . . . Do NOT EVER schedule a thyroid appointment on the same day as a B-DAY! You never know what might happen to your neck!!

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