Thursday, December 9, 2010

Dear Nessie . . .

I've got a confession to make. I, Vanessa Heber, am Nessie, the World's Worst Advice Columnist. I was trying to pretend that "Nessie", the woman writing the never-read column on my blog, was really a mean, old lady with white hair, but alas . . . it is just me . . . an almost 37-year-old nice girl with lots of grey hairs that she tries unsuccessfully to cover up with bleach.

It has always been a dream of mine to write an advice column. I love giving advice. I think it's good advice. But 99% of the time. . . people don't listen. As long as people write to me with questions though -- I'm going to keep on handing out my advice -- for FREE! So here it goes. The latest question AND some FABULOUS advice to go with it!

Dear Nessie,

My twentieth anniversary is in less than three weeks. Last anniversary in Park City, my wife made it clear to me that we had better be in Hawaii for the next. As I sit here with airfare and a hotel in my shopping cart, I sweat bullets as I move the mouse over to the "check out" button. You see, somehow during the summer, Wife went and got herself with child. I should think that she won't very much enjoy being paraded around Waikiki Beach in a maternity bathing suit! (Do they make such a thing?) The subject hasn't come up since Wife's new condition emerged, so am I safe to assume the deal is still on?

Because I have twenty years of experience reading this woman's emotions, reactions, and expressions... She will probably believe I booked the vacation to mock her condition, and make an excuse to observe the non-expecting visitor attractions walking around on the beach... Although I can't deny I will probably get caught admiring the local eye candy, how can I remind/convince her that it was HER idea to go in the first place?

Truly Yours,
Probable Pineapple Disaster

Dear Probable Pineapple Disaster,

You are in quite a pickle. A pregnant wife, a wandering eye, and a 20 year wedding anniversary are not a very good combination. After considerable thought, I have come up with not ONE but TWO fabulous solutions for you. Let me remind you how lucky you are to be getting this FREE advice, because the first solution is going to cost you -- big time!

Solution #1 Surprise your wife with an even BIGGER anniversary vacation than she requested: a week's vacation to a PRIVATE island in the Caribbean should do the trick. You rent the ENTIRE island, so there won't be any reason for WIFE to be embarrassed of her pregnant belly, and you won't have an excuse to look at any eye candy -- as there will be NO ONE ELSE ON THE ISLAND!!

I found an island that is available for rent over your anniversary. I included the address, some pictures, and the perks that you will receive:

Cayo Espanto, Belize2Br, 2Ba (2 Ensuite), Waterfront, Pool, 2500 sq. ft.

*Bedrooms-2 King Beds (just in case WIFE needs her own bed because of those uncomfortable nights of pregnancy).

*Plunge Pool

*Villa Features Air-Conditioning, TV, CD player, DVD Player, Ceiling Fans, Hammock, Alfresco dining, VCR, Hairdryer, Alfresco shower, 2 Private Docks, Private Verandah, Wireless Internet Access, Stereo System, Free internet, iPod docking station, Refrigerator, Mosquito Net, Robes, Sailboat, Snorkel equipment, Movie collection,

*Only a 1 minute walk to beach

*10 minute walk to hospital(in case of contractions, etc . . .)

I think the $2995/night stay is a total bargain for all the amenities you receive. Only one problem -- a 7 night MINIMUM stay. I know WIFE is worth the $21,000 + tips the vacation would cost you, but I don't know if you are able to stay out of town that long, so . . . I decided to provide you with . . .

Solution #2Book your trip to Hawaii. Buy WIFE a super-cute maternity swimsuit like the one pictured below:

Then buy a really UNATTRACTIVE Speedo for yourself to wear. Wear it 24/7, no matter where you go on the island: the beach, restaurants, shopping . . . WIFE will have a fabulous time listening to the locals mock you as you walk by and feel very good about her decision to spend your 20th Anniversary in Hawaii. Problem solved. There is one potential hazard of the speedo. . . you may end up getting some pineapples thrown AT you!

You are welcome for the FREE advice. I know you will put it to good use.



Melissa said...

Nessie- you give the BEST advice! :) I think both options are great!

Dainon said...

Ha Ha Ha... So for your next post, I want you to tell us how you got that speedo onto Da Vinci's David! BYU should have done that while he was here instead of hiding him in a crate in the basement! :)