Dear Nessie . . . (the world's worst advice columnist)

Dear Nessie,

Last night during the Boise State - VT game, my wife commented, "Look! That Cheerleader has NO boobs!" I asked, "You WANT me to look?" She replied, "She doesn't have any!"

So during a commercial, a well endowed girl appeared. When I said, "Whoa ho ho! Look at those!" She punched my lights out! I'm confused. Please explain!


Black-eyed Football Fan

Dear Black-eyed Football Fan,

Sometimes it takes me a day or even a weekend to sort out problems for my readers, but this solution came quickly, as the problem hits a bit too close to home. Here's some quick advice on your predicament:

A man should ALWAYS notice if another female has been "less blessed" in the chest area than his spouse or significant other. It makes the spouse feel superior and happy with herself. This is a good thing.

This same man should NEVER, EVER point out another female that has "more blessings" on top. This makes the wife feel that her man secretly wishes that she would have some sort of augmentation done. This is not a good thing, unless of course, the augmentation is the wife's idea without ANY prompting from her husband. If that is the case, the augmentation is, OF COURSE, a good idea.

Another piece of advice, NEVER, EVER, EVER, look at your wife and say these 4 words . . . "Behold the Little Ones." That comment will 100% guarantee another black eye.

My advice doesn't usually come with a guarantee, but in this case . . .

Yours truly,
Nessie